Category: humor

Office 2003 Compared

Ashley Bischoff2 Comments

BBspot has an informative article on the new features available in Office 2003. These days, I just use OpenOffice.org for my word processing & spreadsheet needs (yeah, the “.org” is part of the app’s name). But, even back when I still used MS Office, I stopped upgrading after Office 97.

Not that Office 95 was that bad a program, but Office 97 did offer some legitimate improments (especially since Office 95 was the first Office for win32). But, after that, it seemed that Microsoft just kept adding obscure features to future Office versions in its attempt to justify the upgrades. But, even Office XP acts just about the same as Office 97.

So, I was especially intrigued by BBspot’s article detailing the new features in Office 2003, including these:

  • Word selection enhancements — It’s even harder to select less than a single word. Select two letters and the whole word is highlighted. Select a word and the whole sentence is highlighted. Select a sentence and a word in a random document on your hard drive is deleted.

  • Improved proprietary formats — Keep information private by making sure no other program from any other manufacturer can open your documents.

  • Features buried much deeper Average menu depth has been increased to 7.4/item across the entire Office 2003 line making sure you don't accidentally select something you didn't want to.

An Editor’s Take on Personals

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I was amused by this recent Salon article about an editor whose friends keep asking her to help edit their personal ads. I hadn’t thought about it before, but I suppose it’s much in the same way that doctors are always getting asked for medical advice or how IT guys are often asked to help with their friends’ PCs.

Editing is subjective. One editor’s treasure is another’s trash. Under the “Five things I can't live without” section I can’t delete intangibles like “laughter” and “the ability to dream” fast enough. Or, under “Things you’ll find in my bedroom,” “bare walls,” “piles of paper” and “free stuff I get from work” says little. “Less Ikea furniture than before,” tells me more (you’re creative and upwardly mobile). […]

Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks

Ashley Bischoff4 Comments

I enjoyed this News In Brief from the latest issue of The Onion:

Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks
SANDPOINT, ID—Seated on the edge of his bed, Carl Thompson, 38, paused for 20 minutes with one sock on his foot and the other in his hand Tuesday. “Ugh, tired,” said Thompson, who was otherwise silent from 6:30 to 6:50 a.m. During that period, Thompson stared at the wall and teetered perilously close to a reclining position six times.

I can relate to that feeling from when I used to work for Steamatic. Their office is in Fort Worth (about 45 miles from here), and I had to leave at 7:30am each morning just to get there on time. That made for some tired mornings.

Chewy Vodka Bars

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Every April 1st brings more April Fools Day jokes — and some sites tend to overdo the effect (such as Slashdot, which is virtually useless on April 1st). However, there have been some clever ones over the years. In that spirit, The Museum of Hoaxes lists its Top 100 Hoaxes. This one may be my favorite:

#58: Chewy Vodka Bars
In 1994 Itar-Tass reported that an alcoholic beverage company had invented a new kind of candy sure to be a favorite with the Russian people: chewy Vodka Bars. These bars, designed to compete with Mars and Snickers bars, would come in three flavors—lemon, coconut, and salted cucumber. The same company was also said to be perfecting another new product: instant vodka in tea bags.

“Cultural Fire Exits”

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There’s all kinds of goofy stuff said on IRC, much of it hilarious — and that's where Bash.org comes in. They collect humorous quotes from IRC. This one from their latest quotes section amused me in particular:

<zoweee> i’m holding out til the next election. if it goes against us, i’ll seriously begin looking for my cultural fire exits.

“There are exits at the front and the rear of american democracy. Please take this opportunity to familiarize yourself with the nearest exit. In the event of a theocratic american hegemony, lights will appear on either end of the aisle, marking the way to your exit for you.

“in the unlikely event of the repeal of Ammendments 1-5, your seat cushion may be used to purchase carriage across one of our more porous borders.

“should there be a depressurization of america’s historical tolerance for diversity, bibles will drop from the overhead compartment. please read your own copy before assisting small children.

“please do not read pirated versions of the bible, as this may give aid and comfort to terrorist organizations. […]”