BBspot has an informative article on the new features available in Office 2003. These days, I just use OpenOffice.org for my word processing & spreadsheet needs (yeah, the “.org” is part of the app’s name). But, even back when I still used MS Office, I stopped upgrading after Office 97.

Not that Office 95 was that bad a program, but Office 97 did offer some legitimate improments (especially since Office 95 was the first Office for win32). But, after that, it seemed that Microsoft just kept adding obscure features to future Office versions in its attempt to justify the upgrades. But, even Office XP acts just about the same as Office 97.

So, I was especially intrigued by BBspot’s article detailing the new features in Office 2003, including these:

• Word selection enhancements — It’s even harder to select less than a single word. Select two letters and the whole word is highlighted. Select a word and the whole sentence is highlighted. Select a sentence and a word in a random document on your hard drive is deleted.

• Improved proprietary formats — Keep information private by making sure no other program from any other manufacturer can open your documents.

• Features buried much deeper Average menu depth has been increased to 7.4/item across the entire Office 2003 line making sure you don't accidentally select something you didn't want to.

I was amused by this recent Salon article about an editor whose friends keep asking her to help edit their personal ads. I hadn’t thought about it before, but I suppose it’s much in the same way that doctors are always getting asked for medical advice or how IT guys are often asked to help with their friends’ PCs.

Editing is subjective. One editor’s treasure is another’s trash. Under the “Five things I can't live without” section I can’t delete intangibles like “laughter” and “the ability to dream” fast enough. Or, under “Things you’ll find in my bedroom,” “bare walls,” “piles of paper” and “free stuff I get from work” says little. “Less Ikea furniture than before,” tells me more (you’re creative and upwardly mobile). […]

I enjoyed this News In Brief from the latest issue of The Onion:

Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks
SANDPOINT, ID—Seated on the edge of his bed, Carl Thompson, 38, paused for 20 minutes with one sock on his foot and the other in his hand Tuesday. “Ugh, tired,” said Thompson, who was otherwise silent from 6:30 to 6:50 a.m. During that period, Thompson stared at the wall and teetered perilously close to a reclining position six times.

I can relate to that feeling from when I used to work for Steamatic. Their office is in Fort Worth (about 45 miles from here), and I had to leave at 7:30am each morning just to get there on time. That made for some tired mornings.

Every April 1st brings more April Fools Day jokes — and some sites tend to overdo the effect (such as Slashdot, which is virtually useless on April 1st). However, there have been some clever ones over the years. In that spirit, The Museum of Hoaxes lists its Top 100 Hoaxes. This one may be my favorite:

#58: Chewy Vodka Bars
In 1994 Itar-Tass reported that an alcoholic beverage company had invented a new kind of candy sure to be a favorite with the Russian people: chewy Vodka Bars. These bars, designed to compete with Mars and Snickers bars, would come in three flavors—lemon, coconut, and salted cucumber. The same company was also said to be perfecting another new product: instant vodka in tea bags.

There’s all kinds of goofy stuff said on IRC, much of it hilarious — and that's where Bash.org comes in. They collect humorous quotes from IRC. This one from their latest quotes section amused me in particular:

<zoweee> i’m holding out til the next election. if it goes against us, i’ll seriously begin looking for my cultural fire exits.

“There are exits at the front and the rear of american democracy. Please take this opportunity to familiarize yourself with the nearest exit. In the event of a theocratic american hegemony, lights will appear on either end of the aisle, marking the way to your exit for you.

“in the unlikely event of the repeal of Ammendments 1-5, your seat cushion may be used to purchase carriage across one of our more porous borders.

“should there be a depressurization of america’s historical tolerance for diversity, bibles will drop from the overhead compartment. please read your own copy before assisting small children.

“please do not read pirated versions of the bible, as this may give aid and comfort to terrorist organizations. […]”

I was listening to NPR’s Marketplace on my way home from work on Friday (being that the economy has affected me, er, personally, I’ve found a new interest in business news) and I heard this accouncement in their usual dry sponsorship delivery as they closed the show:

Marketplace is brought to you by All Your Base Are Belong to Us. On the web at marketplace.org/allyourbase.

I just couldn’t believe my ears that I was hearing such a meme in that context, and on Marketplace of places! I won’t give away any spoilers as to what they have on that page.

From the Web Word mailing list, Black People Love Us!:

We are well-liked by Black people so we’re psyched (since lots of Black people don’t like lots of White people)!! We thought it’d be cool to honor our exceptional status with a ROCKIN' domain name and a killer website!! […]

It’s too bad HTML doesn’t have a <satire /> tag ;).

If you’ve been following the Microsoft Switch story, then you might just enjoy this Gnome-to-KDE Switch parody:

Yes, it’s true. I like the KDE® desktop enough to change my whole computing world around. Here’s the bottom line: KDE gives me more choices and flexibility, and better compatibility with the rest of the technology world. […]

(Link from EugeneK via Slashdot)

Via Media Bistro, The Onion may add pay content:

While The Onion won’t start charging for the site’s existing weekly content, the publication might begin adding additional content for a fee. […]

Hmm, I’d be willing to pay for that. And, that reminds me — I need to remember to subscribe to Salon Premium as well (I think $30/year is reasonable enough for the high quality writing they provide).

Reading like a story from The Onion, apparently CNN Headline News may start incorporating hip hop slang in an effort to attract younger viewers:

Get ready for slang phrases like “bling-bling,” “flava,” and “freak” mixed in with the day’s headlines as the AOL Time Warner-owned cable network turns to hip hop lingo to rope in younger viewers.

“In an effort to be sure we are as cutting-edge as possible with our on-screen persona, please refer to this slang dictionary when looking for just the right phrase,” reads an internal Headline News memo obtained by the Daily News. […]

This still seems almost too silly to be true ;). Link from MediaBistro.